“I hope it was a freak accident that I saw porn in his search history,” says one anonymous wife in an online forum, “but I’m worried that it wasn’t. He’s seemed off – moody and distant lately.”
Other women speak up about their common experiences, and the thread grows long. It’s a sad welcome to the “Modern Wives Club” where you feel like almost everyone’s husband secretly watches porn.
If this is your reality right now, you’re not alone.
Table of Contents
- Common reasons why a happily-married husband watches porn
- What to do if you catch your husband watching porn
- My husband watches a lot of porn. Is he addicted?
- Prep for “the talk”: tips to have a crucial conversation with your husband about porn
- What to do next
- How to rebuild trust through effective accountability
- Conclusion: finding realistic hope even if your husband is watching porn
Common reasons why a happily-married husband watches porn
So, how many people watch porn? A 2023 study reports that 1 in 3 Americans seek out porn. Thanks to easy access to the internet and the “free speech” laws applied to porn, pornography has reached into almost every home worldwide.
That’s why Dr. Gail Dines calls pornography “ a public health harm.” If you’re wondering why is MY husband watching porn, here are a few answers.
Porn targets the vulnerable.
Many young adults now report seeing porn as a child and then returning to it repeatedly because their normal curiosity was aroused.
Sexual arousal from porn fires up the pleasure centers of the brain, similar to spraying lighter fluid on a fire. Long-term damages are hard to measure!
Porn brainwashes people with many lies about relationships and sex.
Porn blatantly teaches that using people on screen for sexual pleasure is fun, good, and acceptable. Or, since it’s “just acting”, I’m not really hurting anyone or cheating on my wife.
Porn acts as a numbing agent.
Sadly, many people use porn like a medicine to numb painful life experiences. Therapist and author Sam Jolman notes ties to porn use and that “weird thing” that happened to me when I was a boy – aka – sexual abuse. Porn becomes kind of a secret friend that is always there, free, and never judgemental.
Porn hides even in sacred spaces.
“My mind is blown. I can’t believe my husband watches porn, because his faith is such a big part of his life!” – anonymous women on Reddit forums
A recent Barna report shows that many – over 60% – of religious people report that they believe porn doesn’t harm healthy sexuality.
Even worse, Barna reports that most churches don’t touch the topic of porn use or provide resources for recovery. Porn use hides even in secluded Amish communities, says author Misty Griffin in her story, Tears of the Silenced.
What to do if you catch your husband watching porn
First, kindly give yourself time and space to hurt and think. Since so many people watch porn, you might even feel guilty for being upset. But your feelings of hurt, dismay, and even deep betrayal are very valid and normal.
Should I be upset that my husband watches porn?
You signed up to be his “one and only”. So, yes, being upset because he is finding sexual satisfaction elsewhere is quite acceptable and normal.
How to handle the emotions you feel when you catch your husband watching porn
You can’t “handle” your emotions unless you first name them kindly and with compassion for yourself. Your valid emotions are part of betrayal trauma, because your husband has cheated on you with porn.
Savvy Esposito, wife of a former porn addict, describes this below:
“Trauma happens when you experience shock or go through something traumatic. If you have betrayal trauma you might be experiencing symptoms like:
- Insomnia
- Inability to eat or overeating
- Extreme mood swings
- Intense anger
- Crying randomly or for prolonged period of time
- Flashbacks or night terrors
- Hyper-vigilance
…Out of all the people I’ve helped and talked to, I would say 95% of them view porn as cheating. Only a few of the partners I’ve talked to didn’t view it as cheating, but were absolutely devastated about how porn took away their sex life for 5, 10, 20 years!”
My husband watches a lot of porn. Is he addicted?
While experts debate over the term “porn addiction”, compulsive porn use can fall under a behavioral addiction, according to the World Health Organization.
If your husband watches porn, it’s important to learn more about the signs of a porn addiction.
If he is addicted, is our marriage over?
Not necessarily. Porn use always creates harm in relationships. Only time will tell if your marriage can and should survive this.
But many who’ve considered themselves addicted to porn have worked hard to quit porn and rebuild their relationship. Two willing parties can accomplish amazing things together.
How can I get him to stop watching porn?
Core truth: you can’t change your husband.
However, that doesn’t mean you have to accept his porn use in your relationship. You’ll have to start by talking about this with him.
So, let’s cover some helpful tips for talking about a painful topic.
Prep for “the talk”: tips to have a crucial conversation with your husband about porn
While it’s very tempting to go on a raging “search and destroy mission” to get the porn out of your relationship, creating a safe space for open communication will benefit you in the long run.
Why? If you both can speak freely and openly, you’ll often discover if your husband is truly willing to address his porn problem.
Calm yourself.
Take some time and space for yourself.
- Acknowledge your valid feelings of hurt and betrayal
- Try some deep breathing exercises
- Get a good dose of “Mother Nature”
- Seek solitude to journal, pray, and meditate
Prep for a quality conversation.
Here are some key ways to open the doors for a tough conversation that could impact the rest of your life:
- State clearly that you need to have an important conversation with your husband at a good time for both of you.
- Find an appropriate time and place for uninterrupted conversation. Hiring a babysitter is well worth the investment.
- Prepare for the conversation by writing down your questions, your feelings, and your expectations for the future.
- Come prepared to both speak and listen well.
Keep the main goal in focus.
Ask yourself, What do I want out of this conversation? What is my main goal?
If this is the first conversation you’ve had after discovering that he watches porn, you may start with the following goals:
- To seek to discover why your husband is watching porn
- To express how you feel about that
- To discover if he’s willing to be honest about his porn habit and put in the work to truly quit
Practice active listening.
The book Crucial Conversations provides “power listening tools” to open a good back and forth dialogue on tough topics using the acronym AMPP.
- Ask good questions in a non-judgmental way. “How old were you when you first saw porn? Do you remember how you discovered it?”
- Mirror back their concerns. “It sounds like you’re afraid I’d leave you right away if I caught you using porn.”
- Paraphrase what they just told you in your own words. “You’re telling me you tend to use porn when you’re stressed at work.”
- Prime the conversation with non-judgemental questions like: “What do you think happens that causes you to seek out porn?”
Seek background information and past history with porn
You might learn that porn has hooked your husband since childhood. A child’s brain is not developed, and porn damages and warps a child’s view of self and healthy sexuality.
Or porn may have been the “friend” your husband turned to when life traumas hit in his teen years. Understanding your husband’s past and more of his life story will give you clues as to what kind of help and support your husband may need to conquer a compulsive porn habit.
Remember to be kind to yourself, too.
Remind yourself that his porn use is not your fault. You are enough. You are not his “methadone”, and having more sex almost never fixes a porn habit.
Express your feelings.
It’s important that your husband knows how you feel about his porn use. Some men don’t consider porn use cheating.
Others don’t realize how betrayed and demeaned a wife feels. Some husbands say it was eye-opening and life-changing to see how hurt and broken their wives feel over their porn use.
State your boundaries clearly.
No matter how your husband responds to the initial conversation, you need to clearly set specific boundaries and state your expectations.
Here are some helpful boundaries and expectations others have set: (not an exhaustive list)
- Zero porn use is acceptable
- All online devices need to have accountability software set up, and be actively sharing online activity with an accountability partner
- No phones alone in the bathroom or bedroom
- If a slip-up occurs, tell your spouse immediately instead of hiding it
- Talk to your accountability partner weekly
- Attend a weekly support group or sexual addiction recovery group in-person or online
All good relationships are built on trust. If he’s truly remorseful for the hurt he’s caused, he will be willing to do whatever it takes to be open and honest with you. Then you have grounds to hope that you can rebuild trust in your relationship over time.
What to do next
Here are some next steps after talking to your husband about watching porn.
Allow yourself time to grieve.
Grief is a vital part of healing from betrayal. Feeling sad about your past and present relationship with your husband is legitimate.
Instead of stuffing your feelings, find a safe place to let them out. Sometimes that will be a trauma-informed therapist or a support group for betrayed women.
Refuse to believe porn’s lies about you.
For many women, being married to porn user creates low self-esteem and thoughts of, “Am I not good enough?” Or, “I guess I never was his type.”
You have dignity, worth, value, and beauty because you are a human being. Your husband’s actions don’t define your worthiness.
Instead when you learn to affirm your worth, value, and potential as a woman, you will find the courage to take the next healing steps, and reach for your potential, too.
Stick to your boundaries.
Once you’ve had the hard, but honest porn conversation, it’s important to stick to any boundaries you’ve set. Also, set specific consequences for breaking boundaries ahead of time. This way, all parties know what to expect.
Holding firmly to your boundaries around pornography use is right and good. Porn harms both the user and those who love them. Porn use also supports a wicked industry that blatantly abuses people, promoting rape, violence, sex-trafficking, and sheer disrespect of human beings worthy of love.
At the same time, understand that breaking a long-term porn habit will probably involve a few relapses. Finding support is vital for healing your emotions and mental health.
Seek support outside of your marriage.
Sometimes the only people who can truly understand and help you are people who have walked in your shoes. Online communities for wives are a wonderful place to find support, expert advice, and practical help.
- Faith-based support communities
- Secular support communities
How to rebuild trust through effective accountability
Setting up effective online accountability on all online devices is a crucial step toward building safe online boundaries.
It also helps rebuild trust one step at a time over time, when your spouse can show you a clean report of his online activity each week.
However, it’s often important for your emotional safety for your husband to find an outside accountability partner who will hold his feet to the fire.
Not being his sole accountability partner frees you and also empowers him to grow and take outside feedback to meet his goal to become porn-free.
Conclusion: finding realistic hope even if your husband is watching porn
If your husband is watching porn, you need support and hope.
Many couples are finding joy in rebuilding a whole new relationship together through accountability and honesty. The process may take years of slow progress with some relapses, but the result is worth the struggle!
You may need a different kind of courageous hope due to a husband who refuses to deal seriously with pornography.
You have intrinsic worth, value, and amazing potential. If you’re a woman of faith, trust that you are beautiful and beloved in the eyes of God.
Also, you may find courage from the stories of other men, addicted to porn for years, who now express their remorse for breaking their marriage vows dozens of years later.
True, life-saving changes only happened when they experienced long-term serious consequences for persistent lying and cheating with porn.
Hope and redemption for your husband may come years later as a result of wise, loving boundaries you set today.
“Take courage, dear heart!”
– C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
*Ever Accountable’s blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.
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