Porn and marriage don’t make a good partnership. Whether used infrequently or compulsively, porn can have a devastating effect on both partners.
Table of Contents:
The Big Lies We Often Believe About Porn and Marriage
One Final Myth-buster About Porn and Marriage
Due to the exploding growth of the porn industry, there’s a growing wave of married couples who are dealing with this digital intruder. Porn sneaks, or even boldly climbs, into the marriage bed — and it’s a bed hog.
In this article we’ll address the mental, physical, and emotional effects of porn. We’ll look at porn’s affect on the longevity and health of a marriage relationship.
The downside? The data is not encouraging. The upside? Knowledge can empower you to change your marriage for the better.
The Big Lies We Often Believe About Porn and Marriage
Some mention their use of porn to their partner prior to marriage (or not). But many believe the lie that sex in marriage will erase their need for porn. Or, that a porn habit won’t affect their sex life.
Unfortunately nothing could be farther from the truth. Often porn is one spouse’s deep dark secret, and the other spouse feels blindsided and betrayed when they discover it.
“My husband’s secret came out at the worst possible time in our lives, and I wasn’t sure we would make it through because of how impossible it was for me to put that one step forward to fully trust him.” – a wife in our community
Let’s consider some major reasons that porn and marriage are incompatible with building a happy marriage.
How Pornography Harms Marriages
Common themes we hear at Ever Accountable about the effects of porn and marriage include: lack of trust between partners, feelings of betrayal, and loss of intimacy. Additionally, porn users in online forums state they struggle with early onset erectile dysfunction — also a downer in marriage.
Porn and Sexual Intimacy
1. Instead of fueling intimacy, porn frequently quenches the flames.
Porn and intimacy in marriage are more like oil and water — they just don’t mix well. In fact, porn is an easy substitute for the hard work of creating intimacy, giving to your partner, and discovering what pleases them. Potentially, the spouse using porn loses interest in real sex altogether. The story of Bill and Karen as told by the counselor illustrates this.
“Bill admitted that pornography had greatly affected his sexual relationship with Karen.They had sex infrequently during the previous 10 years. If Karen initiated sex, he would make an excuse why they couldn’t right then or he would agree to put it on the calendar and not follow through.”
2. Porn can destroy your satisfaction with your spouse.
We enter marriage keenly aware of our physical flaws. So it’s important to us that one person on earth — our spouse — finds us attractive and special. No one can compete with multiple porn models for long.
This young wife anonymously shares her story of discovering her husband’s porn use early on in their marriage:
“…he said something that really shocked me: He was having a hard time being physically aroused by me.”
Equally damaging, porn created in her husband highly unrealistic expectations of what she liked and wanted in their sexual relationship.
“And lot of the things he wanted to try, positions or toys that seemed to work so well in porn, involved rough, violent sex that treated women in a very degrading way. Even then, it still took a lot of effort for him to climax. There was nothing fun about that sex for me, nothing.”
3. Porn normalizes sexual violence during intimacy.
When both partners aren’t at least having a reasonably good time in bed, there’s something amiss. What’s much worse? When one partner feels abused by the other sexually.
Dr. John D. Foubert, a researcher who has studied sexual violence for 25 years, argues that sexual violence is clearly linked to porn use.
“The research connecting pornography and sexual violence is conclusive. There are over 100 studies showing that pornography use is both correlated with and is the cause (shown through experimental studies) of a wide range of violent behaviors. Over 50 studies show a strong connection between pornography and sexual violence.”
The truth is, internet porn is becoming increasingly violent as the porn industry strives to satisfy their paying viewers. The porn industry tracks and measures their consumers meticulously. They know what their market wants — and they deliver.
The more you view porn, the more your brain is depleted of pleasure chemicals. As a result, you crave harder-core, more exciting porn. This increases the potential of expecting that type of sexual gratification in real life.
Dr. Foubert also cites evidence that porn viewing leads to sexual violence against women especially
“Pornography use increases the likelihood that a man will commit sexual violence against a woman, particularly if the man has other risk factors for committing sexual violence like being impulsive, and if his use of pornography is frequent.”
4. Loss of Iibido or other sexual functions may be linked to porn use.
Although some researchers disagree, others say there’s a link between early onset porn-induced erectile dysfunction and porn use. It’s no secret to the No-Fap community or psychologists. In fact studies show that between 17% to 58% of men who use porn regularly also struggle with early onset ED.
“Many heavy porn users find themselves ending an existing relationship with someone they genuinely care about because of the shame they feel when they can’t perform sexually…”
Ultimately, real intimacy in the form of openness, communication, and mutual partnership is also damaged.
Porn, Secrecy, and Shame
Keeping secrets from your marriage partner destroys trust. In fact, Marriage.com mentions secrecy and lack of trust as two of the seven big relationship red flags.
“A person who lies to you and holds himself or herself unaccountable for their actions lacks integrity and respect for you.”
Commitment, trust, and vulnerability are incredibly important for a thriving relationship.
Porn secrets almost always come out eventually — usually tied in with incredible shame. And shame just feeds the need to self-medicate with porn in a vicious cycle.
This cycle leaves the other partner feeling betrayed, lonely, unfulfilled — also feeling the shame of not being “good enough”.
Andrew J. Baumann, a licensed mental health counselor and author of The Psychology of Porn tells wives:
“If you feel betrayed, it’s because you have been. You may feel sympathy because you love him, and sadness because he has deeply hurt you. You rage because you have been lied to, and you feel as if you have been made a fool.”
Porn and Marriage Longevity
A “golden” wedding anniversary has never been harder to achieve. It’s estimated that 56 percent of divorce cases each year are due in part to excessive porn use.
If you’re skeptical of those numbers, you’re not alone. So is researcher and licensed family therapist and marriage counselor Kevin B. Skinner, Ph.D.:
“In fact, I have a hard time imagining that the 500,000 divorces in the United States each year are because of porn. Nevertheless, if even 25% of the 500,000 divorce cases are due to porn, that is 125,000 marriages each and every year that are a direct result of pornography. That’s too many broken homes. That’s too much hurt and pain.”
However, another study shows divorce rates double with habitual porn use. And there’s more cold, hard data to consider.
Statistically, women are more impacted than men according to Science News Releases:
“Beginning pornography use is associated with a substantial increase in the probability of divorce for married Americans, and this increase is especially large for women.”
One Final Myth-buster About Porn and Marriage
According to Roxanne Stone, editor-in-chief of the Barna group, their 2016 survey research reveals trends of double-mindedness towards porn use:
“Watching pornography, on the other hand, is perceived by many as simply an individual choice. Affecting no one but me. Yet when it comes to assessing porn’s impact on society more broadly, people are more apt to hold a negative view. Which presents an interesting paradox of belief: Porn is fine for individuals but bad for society.”
Some state that porn can be useful as a spark in the bedroom.
But since we are specifically talking about porn and marriage in this article, there’s always the third party to consider .
Who are you actually inviting into your bedroom when you view porn together?
Behind the Scenes — Porn and Sex Trafficking
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Just over half of sex trafficking victims are children, according to the 2019 Federal Human Trafficking Report. Don’t think all porn actors have given willing, informed consent. Children as well as young adults are being duped by the porn industry.
Maybe you don’t currently watch child porn. Remember what happens over time with habitual porn use? Your brain craves more porn — and harder-core, novelty porn use. Many are shocked to find themselves using types of porn they formerly found disgusting.
Is porn really fine for the individual or private couple to use, or is it creating a public and private health crisis?
We hope these facts give you some serious food for thought. Do you value yourself, your marriage, and others enough to take action? Who do you wish to become in the future?
Accepting responsibility for your actions is a vital step. And if you struggle with a porn habit and have tried repeatedly to quit, don’t lose hope. We know freedom from porn is possible — one step at a time — through accountability.
Forbes agrees, “When you quit a bad habit, having accountability is everything. Give those close to you permission to call you out…”
Accountability is key
Ever Accountable was created as a tool to help solve this public health crisis. The app combined with choosing to be accountable is a powerful deterrent to using porn.
“Not just a filter but a real accountability program that includes resources… It doesn’t prevent you from viewing anything, but it does report everything you view. It is meant for people who truly WANT to quit. Highly recommend it.” — Len Yancey
Around 90% of our customers find their porn use drops dramatically almost immediately — and many find it drops to zero — when they download and use our app.
Do you wonder if accountability will actually work for you? Don’t just take our word for it! Check out how accountability has changed lives and marriages for the better.
Kick porn out of your bedroom and out of society by starting your free trial of our accountability app today. You can change your marriage and the world — one life, one family at a time.
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