Lots of people secretly wonder – is watching porn cheating? (Just check Google’s search 1+ billion search results).
Surprisingly, 44% of U.S. adults recently surveyed by Barna believe watching porn has little impact on them, and “three in five Christians (62%) tell Barna they agree a person can regularly view pornography and live a sexually healthy life.” – Beyond The Porn Phenomenon, 2024 Barna report with Pure Desire Ministries
However, many partners of porn users, Christian or not, believe watching porn is cheating.
We agree with spouses that watching porn doesn’t just feel like cheating – it is a form of cheating.
Not only that, at Ever Accountable, we believe zero porn use is healthy. You might wonder why we’d take such a hard-nosed stance. Since we’ve been helping people quit porn for over a decade, we’d love to share why we believe watching porn is cheating.
Our goal is to see you have the happiest, healthiest relationships, not to label anyone.
Table of Contents
- Is watching porn cheating on your girlfriend or boyfriend?
- Is porn cheating if you’re married?
- Why does your spouse or significant other consider porn to be cheating?
- 11 ways porn is cheating you and those you love.
- Ditch the cheater and break free from a lifestyle of regrets.
- 3 tools to cheat porn and create lasting change.
Is watching porn cheating on your girlfriend or boyfriend?
That’s a loaded question – not the fun, new car, fully-loaded options type of question, either!
Many answer the porn cheating question with “It depends” or “You decide.” Some even say porn can enhance your sex life. As you’ve probably guessed, psychologists, therapists, and sexperts strongly disagree on an answer.
One thing is crystal clear, though. Because porn use is so common, having a “porn conversation” is vital in a serious dating relationship. It’s part of being honest with each other about your values and goals for healthy intimacy and fidelity in relationships.
A key question to ask is: how do you define faithfulness in a relationship? There may be aspects of fidelity you’ve never seriously considered.
- Do you scroll social media looking at “hot” girls/guys?
- Do you text or DM others with racy content?
- Do you spend time privately thinking/fantasizing about others in a sexualized way?
- Are you looking at others in public in a sexualized way (i.e., sometimes called the male gaze)?
Good relationships often hinge on the little things that build layers of trust over time as John Gottman, marriage expert points out.
To be very fair, you weren’t intending to someday cheat on your partner if porn hooked you as a child and hijacked your brain development in the sex and relationships department.
In fact, porn is full of multiple partners and sexual violence – a terrible sex ed teacher. Sam Jolman, therapist and author, sums it up like this, “Porn is where the lover goes to die.”
So – another burning question – should you disclose a porn habit to your significant other?
Dr. Brian Willoughby, a researcher on healthy human sexuality, says yes. He then lays out helpful steps for a healthy conversation disclosing porn use, including setting the stage with a question like this:
“Can we have a conversation about something private that I’m dealing with?”
Being honest at this stage helps lay a foundation for true intimacy or rebuilding trust in a damaged relationship.
Is porn cheating if you’re married?
Again, experts disagree. Clearly, though, what the experts say matters very little if the love of your life is as mad as Hades about your porn use. What she (or he) thinks really is the priority – if you value your relationship.
Is seeking sexual gratification from an online person instead of your spouse or even your future spouse legitimately okay?
Some mental health experts describe emotional cheating, which doesn’t involve physical sex, but can easily lead to physical infidelity. It involves a level of intimacy and friendship from an outside source which leads the other partner to feel betrayed and cheated on.
Porn use mimics emotional cheating by blatantly promoting finding sexual satisfaction with someone other than your partner.
Even if you’ve never before considered porn use to be cheating, validating to your spouse’s feelings and perspective is vital.
Your relationship will never prosper if you’re not on the same page.
- First, ask your spouse: why is watching porn cheating from your viewpoint? What are some specific ways this hurts you?
- Next, listen really, really hard.
- Seek to understand what matters to your spouse – validate their perspective.
- Commit to never violating their trust.
Why does your spouse or significant other consider porn to be cheating?
“I trust you”
is a better compliment
than “I love you”
because you may not always trust the person you love
but you can always love the person you trust…
Trust takes years to build, seconds to break,
and forever to repair.
– Dhar Mann
Behind the scenes here, we frequently see the nuclear fallout of porn use on marriages and the slow, painful process of rebuilding trust.
Do you wonder why someone special in your life considers porn cheating? Here are a few questions to consider.
Are you a promise-keeper or a vow-breaker?
Most took a vow of “forsaking all others,” – which includes promises of mutually exclusive sexual rights to each other. Did you?
The spouse – male or female – of a porn user also legitimately feels devastated that their partner is enjoying sexual gratification with someone else. If it looks like cheating and feels like cheating…
Does porn use make your partner feel cherished and honored?
Many wives report feeling not enough, because they’re fighting inner battles as they feel compared to unrealistically perfect porn stars.
Others notice small signs of infidelity in real life, too, such as inappropriate texts or social media accounts their spouse follows.
Both partners should feel seen, safe, and loved in a healthy relationship.
Unfortunately, porn also cheats both partners in the marriage bed by creating unmet, unrealistic sexual expectations. Porn sex isn’t real intimacy. It’s a fake, cheap plastic version of sex.
Additionally, sometimes long-term porn use robs even young men of the inability to perform for their partner due to erectile dysfunction. The brain has been rewired to respond to porn on screen, not a real-life person.
Are you repeatedly engaging in lying behavior?
Lying to cover a porn habit may start small but often escalates. Bigger lies are required to cover up the smaller ones.
What does integrity mean to you? Are you a person who keeps their word with those who know you best?
For a person of faith, this answer matters even more deeply.
“Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord.”
– ancient Proverb
Does your faith (or personal conscience) dictate that watching porn is cheating?
Not all faiths concede, but many larger faith groups agree that watching porn is cheating. Many religions teach marital fidelity, as well as personal integrity. According to your faith, keeping promises matters. Promising someone your exclusive faithfulness matters.
For example, both Judaism and Christianity hold to the Ten Commandments. Two of the Ten Commandments teach that you shall not commit adultery (#7) and you shall not lie (#9).
Jesus plainly calls people to pay attention to loving God with their minds, and states that even looking at another woman to lust after her is committing adultery in your heart.
In this context of deeply held religious values, porn turns you into a cheater in your mind. For some, porn becomes the gateway to cheating on your spouse in real life.
11 ways porn is cheating you and those you love
Porn actors are called “actors” for a reason. Since porn displays impossibly fake sex and digitally enhanced bodies, is it surprising that porn is also a world-class cheater?
If you’ve been hooked on porn since you were young, you may not even realize how deeply warped your ideas of sexual norms have become.
When you’re tempted to give in to porn’s siren call, remind yourself that porn steals your:
- Time
- Talents
- Healthy relationships
- Potential spouse
- Intimacy in marriage
- Life experiences
- Finances
- Sexual enjoyment
- Inner peace
- Sleep
- Peace with God
Porn also cheats porn actors
Many former successful porn actors, like Joshua Broome, now speak out about the high suicide rates, mental health harms, and other dark secrets of the porn industry.
Some were extorted as their boundaries were violated. Others were actually lied to and trafficked by the porn industry. Porn preys on vulnerable people, sucking them into a lifestyle that’s unsustainable and hard to break free from.
Ditch the cheater and break free from a lifestyle of regrets.
Talking about touchy topics is tough. But, realistically, who wants to be stuck with the inner label of “cheater”?
Instead, you want to do better, to become someone better!
Think about the ways that porn is cheating you. A broken engagement? A train wreck of a marriage?
Maybe you’ve even found your powerful “why” for quitting porn in this little article.
It’s time to ditch porn and break free of a lifestyle of regrets. With the right help, you can repair the damage porn has inflicted on you.
3 tools to cheat porn and create lasting change
Are you willing to change? If so, the sky’s the limit! Take action to eliminate your “inner cheater” label, and become someone you’re proud to be. Here are three proven tools for breaking up with porn.
1. Join a porn recovery group while educating yourself on the most successful porn recovery steps. Community support from those who understand your struggle, combined with self-education, powerfully propels positive changes.
2. Use our accountability software with a chosen accountability partner to rebuild trust in your relationships. Clean reports over time are your proof!
One clear way to prove to yourself and others that you are changing includes documenting this: “new habits that are rebuilding your trust… not just words saying they won’t do it again.” – guystuffcounseling.com
3. Enlist a sexual addiction counselor. Getting rid of a deeply rooted porn habit often requires a kind but objective, trained set of eyes looking in from the outside.
Investing in yourself ripples outward in waves of limitless possibilities.
Your family, friends, and community will richly benefit from you becoming your best possible self. Some find this hard to believe.
We know YOU are worth the effort!
Helpful tips if your partner is watching porn
If you feel your partner has been cheating on you with porn, it’s time for an important conversation as well as emotional support for yourself. You deserve kindness and a healthy relationship.
Here’s a few steps to get started:
1. Ask for help in a support group for partners of sexual addictions.
2. Acknowledge to yourself that his porn use is not your fault.
3. Have crucial conversations where you kindly and clearly talk together about the issue, as well as create action steps.
4. Follow up this conversation with clearly set boundaries like online internet accountability as well as your expectations for behavior.
5. Unburden yourself with a betrayal trauma recovery coach.
*Ever Accountable’s blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or therapy, though we often link to medically reviewed studies.
Works Cited
“Is Looking At Porn The Same Thing As Cheating?” xxxchurch.com, https://xxxchurch.com/men/looking-porn-thing-cheating.html.
Glowiak, Matthew. “Masturbation Addiction: Signs, Symptoms & Treatments.” Choosing Therapy, 15 September 2020, https://www.choosingtherapy.com/masturbation-addiction/. Accessed 27 September 2023.
“Is porn cheating?” Guy Stuff Counseling, https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/bid/31722/is-porn-cheating.
Weiss, Robert. “Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction Can pornography impact male sexual performance?” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202104/porn-induced-erectile-dysfunction.
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